I originally posted this on social media 5 May 2011, which was just before my kidney transplant surgery. I was on outpatient hemodialysis three times a week, and I knew my life was on the threshold of unimaginable changes.  I’m still reflecting on what I know now compared to then, so this is just giving acknowledgement to that time.

“There’s no question that I’m in a bit of a headspace about how to process/navigate it all, and I’m not altogether comfortable with the role of my ego in all of this.  I will say though, I have enjoyed this process/experience infinitely more than judging myself on whether or not I had accomplished enough any particular day (go figure), and have truly valued this consideration of what is truly important to me.  There will always be laundry, or books about how to parent, or something I haven’t done yet for my husband/children/job/family/dear friends, etc., etc., etc.  But really, most of that is just the superficial distractions on top of the real work of living. 

To Be

1.  Breathe.  I am here, now.   I am alive, now.  I only have moments to live (specifically, this moment).  

2.  Nurture an open heart.   I believe this is my best/only hope for being free.

3.  Make deliberate choices which support my values.  I feel like I’ve come upon a 3-part rule which seems to me to be perfectly true:  (1) Decide to do that which will cause the least stress/pain later, (2) When in doubt, if only because it is the easiest remember: tell the truth, (3) Make the choice which is most consistent with what I want my best self to be.  I have yet to find a situation where these don’t apply.  

4.  Pay attention.  Combined with #1 or #2, I feel well aligned with a “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” (Ferris Bueller, 1986).  Ironically though, combined with #3 this is probably one of my strongest coping strategies.  Despite how it may appear, I do not consider myself to be an especially “optimistic” person.  I make very deliberate choices about what I’m going to pay attention to (how incredibly awesome and amazing the majority of my life is), and what I feel is less important in the grand scheme of my values.  

5.  Speak, listen, and be with silence.  Not necessarily in that order.

6.  Practice 1- 5 often.  None of these are achievable without cultivating them on purpose.  They may be simple, but they are not easy.

At some point it occurred to me that, as part of being a fan of balance, yin and yang, something/nothing, Shakespeare, I also have a solid list of what I think Life ISN’T about.

Not To Be

 1.  Life is not a chicken.  I don’t choose which parts I like and which parts I leave at the bottom of the bucket.  It’s all life. Whether you want to take a, “no waves, just ocean” view or a Paul’s letter to Corinthians, Chapter 12:12-27 (if you happen to take a religious stance), or a  “Nothing human is alien to me” (Terence) approach.  My life may, at times, seem grossly unnatural, or marked by pain or despair, or any number of descriptions that are not appealing or pleasant.  But denying or railing against what clearly is seems to me to be a waste of what time and energy I do have.  Applying this outwardly, I find that this belief joins with “nurture an open heart” and how I hope to receive other people’s experiences without judgment whenever possible.  It is not for me to say what is “right” of/for others, there is no benefit in doing so, and it ultimately pains me to be divided from others by those who would cultivate fear or hatred of difference.  

2.  Life is not a scoreboard.  I should do things because they reflect deliberate choices aligned with my values, and that is its own reward.

3.  Life is for living, not lists.  No matter how I try to craft the perfect summary of what I believe, or compose a sincere, ‘Everything I need to know I learned on Facebook,” poster, it would be better for me to log off and get back to the real work of living.  A segment of a Warren Miller documentary profiling paraplegic extreme skiers, one had written “Die Living” on his sit ski and I can’t help but feel that he’s right.  Oh, Life:  What an ocean of experience!  

Anyway…I’m going to stop doing this now.”

End blip.

I have a pretty strong opinion about some issues, and the following is what evolved over a discussion about “homework.”

End blip.

One area that I’m not sure is talked about enough in classes or supervision (possibly in mentorship though), is what it feels like to be an SLP. There are conversations about stress and time management, about the various demands of high caseloads and low resources. But coming forward to engage with a person struggling with complex communication needs and their families often fundamentally features sadness. How a person internalizes that or processes that or copes with that is a very personalized experience. I am not a therapist or counselor, and I make that clear, but these are the thoughts I extend to students (typically by email), about my own values around self-awareness and being present for emotions as part of being healthy.

“On an airplane, in the event of an emergency, they always stress that anyone traveling with someone who may need assistance should take care of their own oxygen mask first. Because if a person was in the effort of putting someone else’s air mask passed out before they got the chance, there are now two (or more) people at risk. In short: you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others.

It has been a big, emotional, demanding week. There’s been a lot going on within PSU as the semester stampedes to a close, and there’s been a lot going on in the world. I encourage you to be mindful that these may have real impact on your energy, focus, patience, creativity, problem solving. Your well-being may be fatigued right now on more than one level. Please take care of yourselves.

There are lots of ways to do that and I certainly would never argue that there’s a best way. This is a link to giving yourself a moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6eFFCi12v8. I have also recently read that even just taking a minute or two each day to look at a beautiful picture (of anything), helps.

Move, eat, sleep, breathe, talk, pray, dance, draw, be still: whatever. Invest in your well-being.

Airplane rules,
j.

The following is a set of readings about self-awareness that resonated for me; but, again, this is an entirely personal process.

Transformative Power of Crisis (Alter, Alter, & Hendrix, 2010), which I like very much. The chapters are short, which makes for easy reading. I don’t have a bookmark in it, I just open it and read wherever that is for as long as I like. I re-read a fair amount, but that’s okay. What I read tonight particularly resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with you:
>
> “At the end of our three-minute meditation at the beginning of the session, Dominic reported that he had so many ‘thoughts, feelings, and scenarios’ playing through his mind during it that he ‘couldn’t meditate at all.’
> ‘How do you *know* you had all those thoughts, feelings, and scenarios playing through your mind?’ I asked.
> ‘What do you mean?’
> ‘*Who* knows, and is able to report to me, that you had all those thoughts, feelings, and scenarios playing through your mind?’
> ‘I don’t know what you mean.’
> ‘Are you confused right now?’
> ‘Yes.’
> ‘How do you *know* you’re confused? *Who* knows that you’re confused?’
> ‘I do.’
> ‘You *know* that you’re confused?’
> ‘Yes.’
> ‘And who’s reporting it to me?’
> ‘I am.
> And what are you reporting that you know?’
> ‘That I’m confused.’
> ‘Who’s ‘I’?’
> “I am.”
> “And you’re confused?”
> “Yes.”
> “I thought you just said you’re the one who *knows* that you’re confused.”
> “I do.”
> “Well, which is it? Are you the one who’s confused or the one who knows he’s confused?”
> “I am confused, but I also know that I’m confused.”
> “Then you are two beings. You are what you are, which right now is confused, and you’re also something inside that seems to *know* what you are, and the *knower* is *not* confused.” (p. 55-56)

> The Two-Step
> “Guide our feet into the way of peace…” Luke 1:79
> If meditation involves gaining access to the Inner Witness who observes all our feelings, but therapy involves getting in touch with our feelings, which is more important — to observe or to feel our emotions?
> Both.
> When we walk we step first with one foot and then with the other; alternating between the two feet, we go forward. In the same way, on this journey of self-transformation we must alternate between two feet. One foot is meditation. Through meditation and other techniques of self-awareness, we establish and keep strengthening our identification with the Inner Witness, the eye at the center of our storm of feelings, the one inside who’s watching our feelings in a state of perfect peace. The other foot is the feeling of those feelings. Because there is nothing hidden that shall not be revealed on this journey — and that includes all our emotions — we must sometimes go into that storm and be willing to feel the feelings that are whirling about in it. That’s a major step in overcoming them.
> It takes a brave person with a strong and steady consciousness to walk into that storm and face the swirling buffets and blasts of the primal energies that are our feelings. Stepping with one foot, we walk into the storm and feel the feelings in it. Stepping with the other foot, we walk out of the storm, into its center, and watch it peacefully from there. Like the systole and diastole of a heart, pumping in and out, or like the high and low tides of the ocean, we engage in a back-and-forth process. Stepping first with one foot and then with the other, feeling our feelings, watching our feelings, we go forth, we propel ourselves forward, to the Self. (p. 61).

End blip.

For some time now I have been interested in doing more writing.  It is a process/experience that intrigues me, and often challenges me to frame my thoughts directly — sort of a dialogue with my own ideas.  I don’t care for the word “blog” though.  It feels very guttural in my mouth, and suggests a time investment that I don’t know I’m quite up for.  But “blip” seemed to work for me — like a blip on the radar; something small with an unknown significance.

If you have happened into this site looking for the “m4ter14ls” I had previously developed, they are still available under the Resources link.  In recent years, my focus has been more on how I can organize my thoughts, notes, and references relative to instruction within clinical practicum experiences.   Everything is still there though and you are welcome to it with the caveat that all images have always retained the original copyright (most typically, Boardmaker PCS), and any/all information is best used with deliberate consideration of the client, situation, and research (a.k.a., “Evidence Based Practice” or EBP).  For sure, some of this reflects solid thinking/teaching that I might still use today, some might be fine with modifications, and some are best considered as examples of what I would ~not~ do and how I learned along the way.

End blip.

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