Over time my experiences have been shifting from young children in schools to elderly in hospice care. It remains as true as it ever was that I am very much learning how to listen, what to say and why. A conversation happened recently though that I thought I would write out in the hopes that it may nurture creative solutions with others.

I was visiting a woman whose diagnosis I do not know (it doesn’t really matter). When I arrived, she was asleep and since she is very hard of hearing, I anticipated that she would rest soundly. Instead of trying to talk with her, I sat down to write her a note. This was the first time she was wearing her hearing aids when I came by and maybe because of that or maybe it was just coincidence, but she woke up.

Her facial expression was confused and worried. She said, ‘I don’t have any money.” Before I could respond, she said more in a rush — much of it a jumble of sounds rather than distinct words. In the mix, I understood, “so sad,” and “but my leg is tangled.”

This is what I said in response:

I held up my i.d. badge (which also has my photo), and pointed to my name while I said it. Then I showed her a card on which I had written, “I am so glad to visit with you.” That’s something I have expressed (spoken and with this card) every time I have come.

Next I wrote, “Your leg is tangled?” I pointed at each word and read it to her twice. I showed her a card that said, “Do you have pain?” She nodded and gestured to her right leg under a blanket. The blanket was not twisted though, and nothing about her leg or foot appeared out of the ordinary (no discoloration, no swelling).

So I wrote, “Would you like your bed more up or more down?” She said yes, talked me through how to use the gizmo, and reported that it was better. I sat back down.

She said, “I’m sorry.“

I wrote and spoke, “I would like to ease your mind.“

She said, “Oh, thank you.”

Everything about her relaxed — her face, her posture, how she held her blanket. She lay back, and was asleep again before I wrote anything else. I sat with her awhile longer in case she roused again, but her breathing was regular and calm.

Was she having a difficult dream? Disoriented from circumstance? Within one of the phases of dying? Maybe.

In turning it over in my mind, I feel like the conversation unfolded with statements and questions that were responsive to her even without understanding. That made them helpful to me also.

Still learning, how to listen, what to say, and why.

[End blip].